Career, social advice pundits and parents often instruct disgruntled employees, jilted lovers and impulsive children to not burn any bridges behind them. A good mental health perspective would also include don't cross bridges until you come to them.
Sir William Osler, a founder of John Hopkins Hospital, while a medical student worried. He worried about exams, what to do, where to go, how to build his practice and how to make a living. He read something in the spring of 1871 that he credits with changing his life: Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand..
In grief, the natural tendency is to think about the past replaying actions, words and conversations. We question every motive and choice. This is a part of healing and is how we gather words and images in order to tell the story of our loss(es). Eventually, we arrive at a place where we can accept the reality of our life and remember the past with less pain. Then we are more ready to be in the present moment. For some of us though, the future looms ahead of us -dark, foreboding.
Stephen Covey, writing about personal leadership, speaks at length about the language we use to describe ourselves and our life circumstances. He encourages people to be proactive vs. reactive. Our inner talk and our outer talk become self-fulfilling. Examples of proactive language include I choose (instead of I can't), I prefer (instead of I must) and I will (instead of if only), I can choose a different approach (instead of That's just the way I am). In learning to live with grief, does the language you use support you?
Physiologically, our brains can't tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. Think about times you have "made yourself sick" with worry. Often, the anticipation of an event is far worse than the actual experience. In learning to live and grow from loss, does your inner vision support you or limit you?
In Dale Carnegie's book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, he shares several quotes that reinforce these concepts: You can't saw sawdust. It's already sawed. It's the same with the past. When you start worrying about things that are over and done with, you're merely trying to saw sawdust; You can't grind any grain with water that has already gone down the creek.
Here is a three step plan developed by William Carrier (founder of Carrier Air Conditioners) he used to manage worry and is valuable to reducing fears of the future (which has not arrived) : Step 1. Analyze the situation fearlessly and honestly. What is the worst that could happen? Step 2. Reconcile yourself to accepting it if necessary. Step 3. Moving forward, devote your time and energy to trying to improve the worst which you have already mentally accepted.
Worrying about the future compromises concentration and creativity, making it harder to see things clearly or a potential solution. It also makes it difficult to make a decision. If you face the fear of the worst case scenario , the vague imaginings are eliminated and you are now in a position to act.
With loss, often the worst is already over. The future is in the future. Now is what there is.
