Drowning Sorrow

Don't drug yourself.  In grief, some people turn to alcohol, drugs and other substances (food) and activities(sleeping, shopping, sex, gambling) in an attempt to numb themselves and deaden any feelings associated with the loss. Borrowing from alcoholrehab.com, it is also possible someone could  be using substances to punish themselves for a loss, as in the case of a relationship breakdown, an accident, or the loss of a child.
Many people who begin to use substances at a time of loss do so to ignore their emotions and appear to be strong when they are not. We often feel that it is a weakness to cry, need other people, and be sad. Using substances at a time of grief can have very serious implications. A person may become reckless and do things that they would otherwise not do because of their emotional state. They may use multiple drugs, drink to excess, engage in risk-behaviors, share needles or take drugs they would otherwise not take. Additionally, they may begin to associate with people who take drugs also and surround themselves with people who are unstable and potentially harmful. Some people may isolate themselves and take drugs by themselves.

If this is a pattern you find yourself falling into or you have a history of compulsive and addictive behavior, addictionblog.org offers this list of coping skills to help avoid drugging yourself.


1. Turn to friends and family members for help

After a loss, you need to lean on the people who care about you. Even if you pride yourself in being strong and able to handle what life throws at you. Don’t avoid your loved ones. Accept their offer to help you.

2. Draw comfort for loss from your faith

Use spiritual activities, such as praying, meditating or going to church. Many people question their faith during and after the loss of a loved one. It happened to me. I lost my faith in God for months. I blamed him for the loss of my mom. It wasn’t until I opened up to my minister and my church family that I regained my faith. Your faith can get you through many trials in life.

3. Join a support group for grief counseling

Grief can be very lonely. Even with loved ones around, you still feel lonely. It helps when you can share your feelings with others who have experienced similar losses. There are many bereavement support groups. To find one near you, contact your local hospital, hospice or counseling center. See Beacon Hospice's schedule of groups on the top of the blog, too.

4. Face your feelings about grief and loss

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. You have to acknowledge your pain to begin to heal. If you avoid your feelings of loss and sadness, you only prolong the grieving process. Unresolved grief can lead to complications such as depression, health problems and substance abuse.

5. Express your grief through art therapy

Expressing your feelings in a creative way, such as journaling, helps the grieving process. Write about your loss in a journal. Keeping a journal can be very comforting. Some people say writing a letter in your journal is a way to feel connected to the loved one you lost. You can also say things you never got to say in that letter. Or you might use other types of art therapies to help you process your thoughts, feelings and move through the stages of grief.

Also, read the August 9, 2011 entry from this blog.

High Bereavement Risk

If somebody is at a high risk for complications related to bereavement one or more of the following factors are present:

• client perceives social support as very limited or nonexistent
• history or immediate evidence of ineffective coping
• multiple stressors (e.g. financial distress, loss of role, job or health)
• ambivalent or conflicted relationship with the deceased
• psychiatric symptoms of major depression or personality disorder
• inability to acknowledge the death or the death is unexplained
• very high degree of dependence on the deceased
• suicidal ideation
• danger to self or others

Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care (1990)

Threatening behavior toward self or others requires immediate intervention, perhaps involving police or legal ramifications.  People who are at a high risk are encouraged to seek professional help.  Mourners who score moderate or low on the risk scales usually find support groups helpful.
When thinking about yourself or loved ones and their bereavement risk, is there anything you would be concerned about?  Is there anything you can do proactively?

Moderate Bereavement Risk

What constitutes a moderate level of risk for adjustment after a loss? Grief professionals look for two or more of the following factors present in the lives of the bereaved:

• limited social support or perception of limited support by the bereaved
• difficulty coping with current or past stressors
• stressors, in addition to the loss, are present such as financial, housing, relationship difficulties
• poor health or somatic symptoms lasting more than a month (after the death)
• guilt or ambivalence about the loved ones death or the care provided prior to the death
• unresolved previous losses
• unexpected death
• younger age (of the deceased) or young children at home

Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care

Again, as in the previous entry about low bereavement risk, we can be proactive in bolstering our internal and external resources to help us weather the inevitability of various losses inherent in life...develop a quality network of friends and family, learn how to manage stress better, maintain physical and financial health, resolve unfinished business with loved ones, attend to our own hurts, and perhaps ultimately, continually examine the existential nature of death and what that means to each of us.

What is a Low Risk for Bereavement Adjustment Difficulties?

Generally, people who exhibit the following factors are expected to manage their grief and cope well with a loss:

• Self perception of adequate social support.
• Effective coping with past losses and /or crisis.
• Adequate financial resources.
• Positive relationship with the deceased or resolved separation.
• Belief that care provided prior to death was adequate.

(Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care [1990])

An important factor is what one believes-self perception- in all of these areas. Others, professionals included, often have preconceived ideas of how and what people need, should have or be in order to grieve well (another area that is best left to each individual to evaluate for themselves). But, in the end, how well we cope is directly related to how well we expect to cope and our self-perceived meaning of loss and recovery.

 As you evaluate yourself against these criteria, is there room for improvement?  Perhaps focusing time and energy on developing a strong social network of supportive friends, learning about and practicing skills such as relaxation and meditation, cognitive restructuring, enhancing your spiritual base, etc., becoming financially sound (even consider long-term care insurance), mending and deepening relationships with important people in your life and learning about and getting comfortable with end-of-life issues and the wishes of your loved ones will not only be a boon to you now, but also in times of loss and grief.

Giving Grief a Time and a Place

The holidays can be a difficult time.  There are family and cultural expectations that often leave us strapped for time, money and personal fulfillment.  The presence of the abscence of who or what is missing is magnified. Avoidance seems like a safe and painless way to "get through the whole thing".  Remember, it is not the holiday or the grief you want to avoid, but the pain.  Grieving  and mourning help us through by placing the loss outside of ourselves. There are a number of ways to do this.  Here are some ideas: Share a prayer about your loved one before the holiday dinner; light a candle for your loved one(s); do an online tribute to them; share favorite and funny stories of your loved one(s); have a remembrance prayer or mass said in your faith community; leave an empty seat at the table; buy a gift in their name and donate it to a charity that they would support; go to a candle light memorial/vigil...the main idea is to include them.  Do not leave the elephant in the living room, so to speak.
Allow yourself time. Make multiple plans so that you feel like you have some options. It is also o.k. to "cancel" the holidays altogether if this is what feels right for you. The old standard is no longer and the new norm may not be established. Use this time to experiment with what works for you NOW-this season, this moment.