Drowning Sorrow

Don't drug yourself.  In grief, some people turn to alcohol, drugs and other substances (food) and activities(sleeping, shopping, sex, gambling) in an attempt to numb themselves and deaden any feelings associated with the loss. Borrowing from alcoholrehab.com, it is also possible someone could  be using substances to punish themselves for a loss, as in the case of a relationship breakdown, an accident, or the loss of a child.
Many people who begin to use substances at a time of loss do so to ignore their emotions and appear to be strong when they are not. We often feel that it is a weakness to cry, need other people, and be sad. Using substances at a time of grief can have very serious implications. A person may become reckless and do things that they would otherwise not do because of their emotional state. They may use multiple drugs, drink to excess, engage in risk-behaviors, share needles or take drugs they would otherwise not take. Additionally, they may begin to associate with people who take drugs also and surround themselves with people who are unstable and potentially harmful. Some people may isolate themselves and take drugs by themselves.

If this is a pattern you find yourself falling into or you have a history of compulsive and addictive behavior, addictionblog.org offers this list of coping skills to help avoid drugging yourself.


1. Turn to friends and family members for help

After a loss, you need to lean on the people who care about you. Even if you pride yourself in being strong and able to handle what life throws at you. Don’t avoid your loved ones. Accept their offer to help you.

2. Draw comfort for loss from your faith

Use spiritual activities, such as praying, meditating or going to church. Many people question their faith during and after the loss of a loved one. It happened to me. I lost my faith in God for months. I blamed him for the loss of my mom. It wasn’t until I opened up to my minister and my church family that I regained my faith. Your faith can get you through many trials in life.

3. Join a support group for grief counseling

Grief can be very lonely. Even with loved ones around, you still feel lonely. It helps when you can share your feelings with others who have experienced similar losses. There are many bereavement support groups. To find one near you, contact your local hospital, hospice or counseling center. See Beacon Hospice's schedule of groups on the top of the blog, too.

4. Face your feelings about grief and loss

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. You have to acknowledge your pain to begin to heal. If you avoid your feelings of loss and sadness, you only prolong the grieving process. Unresolved grief can lead to complications such as depression, health problems and substance abuse.

5. Express your grief through art therapy

Expressing your feelings in a creative way, such as journaling, helps the grieving process. Write about your loss in a journal. Keeping a journal can be very comforting. Some people say writing a letter in your journal is a way to feel connected to the loved one you lost. You can also say things you never got to say in that letter. Or you might use other types of art therapies to help you process your thoughts, feelings and move through the stages of grief.

Also, read the August 9, 2011 entry from this blog.

The Best Way Out is Always Through

This Robert Frost quote is the core of the foundation of what it means to do good grief work.  Good grief work, I believe, leaves us transformed. The Buddha stated "if your heart does not break a bit everyday, then you are not fully awake" (paraphrased).  The trick in grieving is to be able to feel your pain AND feel your joy. Oriah Mountain Dreamer in The Invitation, wrote "We are afraid of pain-emotional and physical-and we want to believe there is a way around experiencing our own sorrow, that we can avoid the pain and lose nothing of the fullness and joy of living. It's simply not true."  We try to anesthetize ourselves to avoid the pain. We move toward the healing without understanding and embracing what is actually lost. There are a number of numbing agents employed- food, drugs, alcohol, work, television, physical activity, sex, religion, doing good, arguments...
Mountain Dreamer continues "But I do breathe, allowing the sorrows of the world to break my heart over and over again, letting the joys make it whole again.  Knowing how to do this, finding the courage to take another breath and not close my heart to myself and to a world where there is pain, is what I seek to learn-how to love well.".
Starting today, in what ways can you take loving action, heal old and new wounds, breathe...embrace your broken-hearted humaness?

Grief, Mourning and Bereavement

What exactly is the difference between grief, mourning and bereavement?
Although the words are often used together, they have three different meaning. Grief is the emotional experience resulting  from the loss.  It's the inner, personal feelings of an individual.  Sometimes we can observe these feelings; other times they are locked tightly inside the person.  Feelings might include anger, frustration, loneliness, relief, regret, peace, sadness and guilt.  Mourning is the outward, social expression of the loss.  Often the mourning process is dictated by religious and cultural norms, rituals and traditions.  Bereavement is the state of having suffered a loss.  Usually we associate the loss with death, but it can be for many reasons such as divorce, empty-nest, job elimination, or a move to a new city.

No matter what you call it, getting support for loss in a group can be helpful, enriching, and feel less lonely.

  See a schedule of groups and workshops here-http://www.beaconhospice.com/ or click on the support group tab at the top of the page.

Grief "Stinks"-sometimes.

When nothing else subsists from the past, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered· the smell and taste of things remain poised a long time, like souls· bearing resiliently, on tiny and almost impalpable drops of their essence, the immense edifice of memory" -Marcel Proust "The Remembrance of Things Past"(1)

There has long been thought a strong correlation between the sense of smell and memory. Step out into a cool Autumn day and you might instantly be transported to being a child coming home from school, shuffling your feet through fallen leaves releasing their earthy aroma. Science is still learning the hows and whys of this sense and it's links to safety and survival for us as a species. In loss, scent also plays a role. Most of us know the power and clarity of memories that are triggered by smell, some pleasant some not so much.  The distinctive scent of a hospital floor might bring you face to face with death of your husband.

Some people report a strong olfactory experience as part of a "visit" from their loved one(s).  One gentleman I knew would often smell honeysuckle, a favorite scent of his deceased wife,  in the middle of winter while puttering about  his home. Others report smelling their father's particular tobacco or cologne at times.

Other frequent experiences such as smelling a scent associated with the deceased, for example when opening a closet containing the loved one's belongings or stepping into a house that has been closed up,  is a comfort for some but disturbing for others. Often, we do not know when we will be triggered by a smell and find we are caught off guard by our reactions to it.
Although sometimes overwhelming,   perhaps these "grief attacks", may be viewed as loving messages from your loved one or as evidence of the cellular connection you shared and the enduring "immense, edifice of memory".