This is a continuation of the series of "Don'ts" posted on August 22, 2011. The technical issue preventing us from updating the blog has been corrected. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
People in support groups often say something like " I can't talk to my friends or family about how I am feeling because they'll think I'm just feeling sorry for myself ". John Martin in his book, I Can't Stop Crying, writes: To lose someone you love hurts, and it will hurt for a very long time. A major part of your life is gone and it will never be back. It often feels like you've been robbed or cheated, or like something very significant has been ripped from you. No one can undo this hurt. Anyone who suggests to you that it's not so bad, that everything is going to be fine, that you need to focus on the good things and forget your pain, is probably too uncomfortable to really hear about your grief. He goes on to encourage people to understand that your feelings are subjective and unique. No one else can determine the weight and significance of your feelings. Furthermore he counsels that feelings have no moral value. They are not good or bad, right or wrong; they simply exist and need to be recognized and acknowledged for what they are. How we express our feelings may have moral value, but the feelings themselves do not.
To acknowledge your loss and pain and "feel sorry for yourself" is a simple statement of fact. It is part of the grief process and also the healing process. People can feel sorry for others AND themselves at the same time- you are not robbing the world of sorrow if you acknowledge your own. John Denver's song I'm Sorry reflects this.
However, sometimes we can become too identified with or invested in this feeling. We don't want to give it up because it is seen as "one more thing being taken away" or we find an uneasy comfort in the role of "mourner". Sometimes, being stuck in our sorrow for ourselves helps us to feel closer to the lost loved one or to feel justified about the cruelty of life or our status as martyr.
It is important to find someone who will listen and with whom you can talk to (honestly) about feeling sorry for yourself and who can help you determine the benefence of your sorrow...is it helping or hurting you in your grief ?
What if you determine you are stuck? Stephen Covey in the classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People writes...selfishness violates the values of most people, but, paying attention to the development of self in the greater perspective of improving one's ability to serve, to produce, to contribute in meaningful ways gives context for dramatic increase in the four life-support factors: security, guidance, wisdom and power. All areas we feel the heft of loss most strongly.
How do you serve and contribute in a meaningful way-especially when you are grieving? Alfred Adler, a mid century psychiatrist, prescribes Try to think everyday how you can please someone. Dale Carnegie in his books offers similar advice, encouraging people to try to create a little happiness for others. He goes on to say "when you are good to others, you are best to yourself.
I had an undergraduate professor, in a lecture titled Forty Things to Do When There is Nothing to be Done, state "lean into the pain like a V-let it support you." The trick is knowing when it is no longer supporting you.
