A recent post addressed "don'ts" related to grieving. Let's take a closer look at the  first don't:

• Don't condemn yourself

Don't condemn yourself. Very often we feel guilty or as if we are doing something wrong if we express our grief or experience it for a longer time than we or others think is "healthy " or "normal".  Or we believe there must have been something we should /could have done to prevent the loss in the first place. Conversely, sometimes we feel badly if we don't express grief or seem to be "over it" too quickly.

Culturally,we are not really taught how to grieve or how to support those who are bereft. It is unfamiliar to us. Often we try to avoid that which makes us uncomfortable-and grief is uncomfortable. Grief is idiosyncratic in that it is a reflection of our individual constitution or temperment. Each loss elicits a unique response.  We might become familiar with our "grieving style", but there are still surprises along the path.
 Sometimes, it is what it is and the only way around is through (R. Frost). How you mourn the loss of your cat when you are sixteen will, most likely, be very different from how you react to the death of your spouse when you are 80 years old.
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What if you are struggling with the idea that you should've known, could have done something?  Sometimes, this is true and your feelings of guilt are legitimate and amends need to be made if at all possible. This can also be a normal aspect of the grieving process. Most people will go through the "what ifs and if onlys" in order to arrive at the same conclusion and outcome. In some situations, continuing to ascertain YOU could have changed the outcome in some super human or super power manner, serves only to keep you from experiencing the pain of the loss and beginning the grieving process.

Instead of condemning yourself why not work to understand your loss and subsequent grief and find outlets for expressing yourself? Reading, talking, counseling, support groups, prayer, writing, art, are all powerful tools to begin to understand how you think, feel, and mourn.



photo credit: Heather Thompson