Empty nest is a term that encapsulates the feelings of loss experienced by parents when their progeny leave home. It is a form of separation anxiety. Roles, identities, activities and relationships may be altered in obvious and subtle ways. Normal reactions include sadness, weepiness, or spending time in your child's room to feel closer to him or her. Feelings of despair, isolating from others, avoiding things that give you pleasure or having a diminished sense of life's meaning are symptoms suggesting a need for more intensive support from a counselor or your doctor.
Tips to Ease the Transition for You, your Spouse and your Child
YOU
- Explore your identity. You may have limited your role to that of "mother/father". Now that your time commitment to that role is down-sized-who are you -REALLY? or Who do you want to be? It is never too late to re-invent yourself.
- Create a support group of friends and family going through the same transition or have already fledged their kids.
- Be kind to yourself and plan some "pampering".
- Practice cognitive restructuring. For example, you've gained a bathroom with unlimited privacy; phone calls are for you from people who really want to talk to you...
- Return to work, volunteer, join groups, explore new hobbies, travel, experiment with different cuisines...embrace your new found freedom.
- Make a list of things you notice right away that is different since your child has left the house. Things such as happy emails and calls from your child, lower grocery bills, food in fridge and cupboards, the house stays clean, there is less laundry, quiet, hot water...
- Discuss with your spouse hopes and dreams for the future
- Adjust your daily expectations of one another
- Share your mutual grief
- Talk about and develop a plan to manage money concerns
- Understand and support one another regarding the symptoms of menopause and andropause
- Look at downsizing-declutter and simplify your life
- Explore role changes
- Create a plan to deal with "boomerang kids"
- Contemplate grandchildren
- Devote time and energy to your aging parents
- Plan trips
- Have FUN together
- Schedule dates with one another
- Empty nest dads may feel regret over things undone and time not spent with the kids. Talk about it.
- Be sensitive to the significant changes your son or daughter is trying to make
- Be supportive, but try not to cling or overwhelm
- Agree on mode and frequency of contact-email, text, telephone calls and how often
- Try not to rescue if they are struggling with homesickness in the first few weeks-if they can sort it out for themselves, this is great accomplishment!
- buy some credit for their mobile phone or a book voucher, send a care package
- email funny stories about what is going on at home or in the community
- no guilt trips
Children moving out of the family home still require parenting, but the context and challenges are changed. However, the love, commitment and fulfillment remain.. We will be our children's parents for many more years after they leave home than they were under our roof.
There is no right way to deal with the issues, challenges and dilemmas you face as an empty nest parent. Each person and family has to find a solution that works for them, but perhaps some of the tips above will help to make the transition go more smoothly.
