When a friend or co-worker has suffered a loss, the impact is often felt by everyone in their circle or office/ organization. We feel awkward and don't know what to do or say. The loss may stir up our own existential anxieties or painful losses.
Following are some guidelines that may make supporting friends or colleagues a bit easier for the both of you. Suggestions from the American Cancer Society include aacknowledging the situation. Ex; " I heard that your___________died." Use the word died. That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels. Express your concern. Ex; " I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. ". Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Ex; "I am not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care." .Offer your support. Ex: " Tell me what I can do for you.". Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
It is important to avoid telling and focusing on your own grief story. Later, as time passes and the shock has diminished, your co-worker may ask you questions about your loss(es) and how you coped, but when initially offering support it is important to let them have their story. Comparing losses and grief is also something to avoid. Grief is idiosyncratic and there are a number of factors that compromise loss-it is like comparing apples to oranges-they are both fruit, but that is where the similarity ends. Don't judge according to grief stages (Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). That was never the intended the purpose of them and it minimizes what the bereaved is actually experiencing. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. Your co-worker doesn't need you to fix it- they need support and compassion. There is little we can say to ease the pain and common cliches meant to comfort such as "Be strong", "You still have a lot to be grateful for", "Time heals all wounds", "It's God's will", "Be thankful they're not in pain", "Remember the good times"... sound trivial and impersonal. We have all heard them, said them, and most likely had them said to us, but any comfort they provide, is usually for the speaker, not the listener. Often the bereaved might say these things after some time has passed. Then it is O.K. to support the statement, but we, as the support person, don't want to generate these cliches. Also, probing for details may be seen as insensitive and intrusive. Being able to listen attentively and simply offer a human presence is sometimes the most helpful thing we can do or be.
It is important to make contact as soon as possible after hearing of the loss. A personal visit or telephone call, attendance at the memorial/service, and sending a sympathy card with a personalized message or sharing a memory or story of the deceased or their relationship to the griever are all positive, supportive things to do. Ask them what they need or want. They may not be able to tell you, so offer a specific time and activity such as "I can come over and walk the dog tonight between 7 and 7:30" or " I made you a lasagna. I'm bringing it by tomorrow noon".
Grieving is a long process. Offering on-going support and understanding days, weeks, and months after the death is vital. Awareness of holidays, special dates and anniversaries is another good way to let the griever know you are thinking of them.
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