Change =Loss=Grief

What is it about grief that causes us such pain?

It is the immensity of the familiar relationship lost that defines grief and loss that invokes intense emotions.  Terror, overwhelming sadness, longing, anger, frustration-These are just a few of the feelings assaulting the survivors.  These feelings, although within the range of normal reactions, constitute change.  Ultimately grief is about change, and change can be the most difficult reality to face.

There are some fundamental attributes common to those who manage change well.  These skills and mindsets can be learned and practiced (over and over again) and can lead to a sense of competency in the world. For a person who is grieving, having a sense of mastery and understanding about change and one's idiosyncratic response to it can lead to unexpected growth and personal development.

There are five areas that contribute to being good at coping with change. They are resource management, rich relationships, information sharing, empowerment, and a mutual narrative.

• Resource Management: This is reflected best in not over extending yourself (energetically, financially and otherwise) and staying in good physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and financial health. It means keeping your relationships strong and fulfilling long before a crisis arrives.
• Rich Relationships:  Cultivating an expansive network of friends can pay off in useful and unpredictable ways.  Leadership consultant Robin Sharma suggests you need friends who will come get you if you are jailed in a foreign country and you need the type of friends who say "let's have a party when you get out".  This richness in relationship needs to be nurtured inside and outside of the family, extending into the community.
• Information Sharing: Sometimes it is necessary to withhold details or knowledge (in cases of keeping confidentiality for example), but often we don't share because we feel it would put us in a vulnerable position with others. Letting people know how we feel and what we need or would like goes a long way toward building our relationships and managing our resources.  The more people know and understand the more empowered they are to help. Sometimes, the person we need to be most transparent with is ourselves.  Letting go of our comfort zone, confronting denial, and "telling our truths" are all courageous acts that have the capacity to lead us to different place in our lives.
• Empowerment:  Comfort with making decisions for an individual or a family is critical to successful adaptation to change.  This comfort may range from  listening to intuition and "trusting your gut or instincts" through allowing friends and family autonomy in making choices, which in turn creates a sense of camaraderie and accountability to one another.
• Mutual Narrative:  A narrative is a story. All families have one and each member is a piece of the story. The history is held in common as well as the future- as yet unwritten pieces of the story. Healthy, flexible individuals and groups have a sense of where that story is leading and its potential.

How prepared do you feel to handle change? What will you start to do differently to ensure you are building on these five fundamentals to help you with not only surviving change, but perhaps even thriving with it? What can you do to conserve or generate more energy and resources? How will you strengthen and grow relationships? Will you create avenues for information to be shared and discussed? Will you be empowered and lead those around you to feel so, too? What will you do to nurture, (co-)create and share your history and your dreams and hopes for the future?

Begin it today.