tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61480739668870845752024-03-14T01:41:58.114-04:00Harbors of Hope-navigating through grief and lossHarbors of Hope: The bereavement program of Beacon Hospice,Inc. We address the bereavement needs of our families and over 400 communities out of 22 offices in MA, RI, CT, NH, and ME.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16820659795853013308noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-33351214745094063462012-12-03T15:15:00.001-05:002012-12-03T15:16:01.886-05:00Mental Flexibility- A Hallmark of ResiliencyIn our continuing series about resiliency based on a book by journalist Rick Newman, a fourth trait of resilient people is they change their minds sometimes. Being resilient means taking the best information you have at the time and making the best decision you can. If the information changes, being flexible enough to adjust your goals and thinking is a healthy practice.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-16090582725082131612012-11-12T14:25:00.001-05:002012-11-12T14:25:59.816-05:00In Honor of Veteran's Day: When You Come to Help Me Die: A Vet's Plea<em>I.</em><br />
<em>Just be a witness to me.</em><br />
<em>Don't startle me</em><br />
<em> or get behind me</em><br />
<em>As I sit against a wall in the back of a room.</em><br />
<em>If I choose to tell you things,</em><br />
<em> Just listen and be ready to hear whatever it is I say</em><br />
<em>You have two ears, just one mouth, </em><br />
<em> so I'd guess you can do twice as much listening as talking.</em><br />
<em>You've got to understand something:</em><br />
<em>We were trained to be wolves and we acted like wolves-we became wolves-</em><br />
<em>I work everyday to keep the wolf down-for years I have been doing this.</em><br />
<em>It's the way I hold onto my dignity,</em><br />
<em>I ask you to allow me that.</em><br />
<em>My wife? She knows.</em><br />
<em>She knows not to try to get inside;</em><br />
<em>She takes notes at lectures, but she doesn't ask me questions.</em><br />
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<em>II.</em><br />
<em>I buried the word VietNam for 13 years.</em><br />
<em>When the Wall was dedicated I broke open and wept and wept and the rivers of sadness</em><br />
<em>swept me to the delta.</em><br />
<em>We were suppose to cover each other-</em><br />
<em>a sector, a back, a life-</em><br />
<em>Bands of brothers jungled, counting on each other.</em><br />
<em>Our goal was to come home alive-</em><br />
<em>One year, we said, one year-</em><br />
<em>The bond was indelible</em><br />
<em>But one boy from Wisconsin didn't make it;</em><br />
<em>The plan was bungled,</em><br />
<em>Killed by friendly fire.</em><br />
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<em>III.</em><br />
<em>I'll be riding my bike and a truck will go by</em><br />
<em>It's the diesel; the smell of diesel</em><br />
<em>takes me back, all the way back.</em><br />
<em>I have to brake so that I don't shatter.</em><br />
<em>Who can understand this?</em><br />
<em>They have a name for it that doesn't come close to describing it.</em><br />
<em>Looking for the ties that bind, that connect, that comfort, that take away the loneliness</em><br />
<em> of triggered memory and savagery</em><br />
<em>Clearly I can't forget-I can't lay it aside.</em><br />
<em>Forget the medication-don't bring me the zombie potions to alleviate my pain</em><br />
<em>Please</em><br />
<em>Just bring me a comrade in arms.</em><br />
<br />
Caroline MacDonald<br />
Volunteer Coordinator<br />
Beacon Hospice, An Amedisys Company<br />
York, ME<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-83688597147442419812012-10-18T14:45:00.000-04:002012-10-18T14:47:50.001-04:00Resilience ContinuedThis is the second installation in a continuing series about building resiliency.<br />
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Another trait of resilient people is an ability to <strong>compartmentalize emotions</strong>. This isn't to say minimize your feelings but more the idea of adopting a pragmatism regarding emotional reactions to difficult situations or disappointments. <br />
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Resilience also is more <strong>action- oriented</strong>. However, not just being busy for buy-ness sake. This often is anxiety <em>producing. </em>Instead, the focus is more toward <em>purposeful</em> action and moving forward. <br />
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With loss, we often do these two things innately in the beginning. We put aside certain emotions and get involved in tasks related to what needs to be done regarding funeral arrangements, legal and estate needs, and so on. At some point, we are confronted with emotions we have set aside and the "grief work" starts. However, after a time, it may be more healthy to <em>do</em> something with these feelings rather than just being with them. For example, is your anger and desire to control blocking you from your ultimate goal or need? Is your sadness keeping you from enjoying your friends and family? Are you missing opportunity?<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-78443946517823675612012-10-12T14:33:00.001-04:002012-10-12T14:33:12.485-04:00Being Resilient: A Continuing SeriesIn his book <em>Rebounders: How Winners Pivot from Setback to Success, </em>Rick Newman highlights nine attributes he sees as common in resilient people. These skills are adaptive behaviors that can be cultivated and can help you come back from set backs, disappointments and loss-sometimes even stronger.<br />
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The first of these nine skills is: <br />
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They <strong>accept failure</strong>. <br />
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It's not that you have to like failure or minimize its impact, but learning to "fail productively" and managing to view it as a learning opportunity is helpful and healthy.<br />
Sometimes, when a loved one dies for whom we cared, we feel as though <em>we</em> failed because <em>they</em> died. We might reframe the concept of failing into the belief that we helped them live a comfortable and a quality-filled life <em>until</em> they died. Death is part of life and not accepting this final outcome is futile and a guaranteed road to feeling miserable.<br />
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With any loss or death it is useful to mine through it for the lessons we can apply to future situations and experiences. Perhaps a friend dies because they did not have colon cancer screenings. We can choose to get the recommended screening. Or an acquaintance dies in an motor vehicle accident because she was drinking and driving. We can chose otherwise for ourselves. This kind of learning is not easy or meant to be portrayed as trivial, but a further tragedy would be allowing their deaths to be meaningless.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-67661147824518020572012-09-25T09:26:00.000-04:002012-09-25T09:26:39.350-04:00Follow the Little Children Several years ago when my nephew was maybe 6 years old, the family dog died. The adults milled around swollen eyed and stiff upper lipped, but certainly not actually <em>talking </em>about what we were feeling. Caleb got us organized with candles and tissues and into a circle and directed us "You all have to say at least one good memory of Oatie". A natural facilitator of ceremony and ritual and remembrance.<br />
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Last week, one of the widows I see for grief support showed me two letters her 6 year old grandson had written. One was to his grandfather who at the time of the writing was dying in a hospice house. In it the child told his grandfather that he had enjoyed a good life and they had had a good life together. He told him everyone loved him and that he could go when he was ready. The second letter was to his grandmother after the death. It was a drawing of a person in a box and it said "Grandpa still loves you".<br />
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Perhaps, we could practice approaching loss more as children do (as we once did as children as well)....intuitively, naturally, and communally-inviting everyone in to share and move forward. <br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-15606396624739464962012-09-04T16:52:00.000-04:002012-09-04T16:52:24.131-04:00A Thoughtful LetterI have had a wonderful life with my wife of 55 years. We had our up's and down's, but held together through hell and high water. <br />
My many deployments in the Army were the times that I missed my family the most. We had seven children (one passed away at birth, a daughter 48 years ago). The remainder, four boys and two girls have given to us eighteen grandchildren which in turn gave us 20 (now 22) great grandchildren and I am proud of all of them.<br />
As the time nears, we will have to depart one another. I would rather see it happen by old age. But we have to accept what the future holds. There is no sense in ending life sooner then expected. <br />
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I will lose my wife Gisela/Lisa soon, due to something that should not have happened, smoking. If you are at this point in reading this letter and are smoking, PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP. I know it is hard for it took me many years to see the light, but have been off those CANCER STICKS for over 42 years. <br />
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I have got COPD and have to wear a breathing mask (V-PAC) at night. Why?, due to second hand smoke. I will never tell my wife that she was the cause of it. I told her it started 42 years ago. I don't think that she believes me. <br />
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Don't put your loved ones with what I am going through. My gut is tearing me apart daily from the time I awake til the time I fall asleep, knowing that day is near. Soon I will be alone except for family and friends but they could never replace the very Patriotic woman that I have loved and married and will lose. <br />
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With the tears running down my cheeks, I again plead to you, STOP, think of your loved ones. Larry. <br />
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PS. My brother Roland went through the exact same thing in December 2009.<br />
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My wife passed away on May 30, 2012, one day after our 56th wedding anniversary an 6 months after the letter.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-4742254591499182722012-08-01T10:58:00.000-04:002012-10-12T14:39:03.592-04:00Grief and Panic AttacksA friend of mine who had recently lost someone close to her called asking "Is it normal to feel like I am going to freak out and be all panicy, or am I losing my mind?" She went on to describe feeling as though she was having tiny panic attacks (shortness of breath, tingling, dizzy, sweating and feeling trapped) when driving alone in her car. She found focusing on music helped, but often felt as though she just wanted to run screaming from the vehicle. <br />
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Perhaps <strong>anxiety attack</strong> may better descibe this symptom of grief. Either way, it is an unpleasant and frightening event, athough a common experience for those who have incurred a significant life trauma. The death of a loved one would qualify. Often, there are extenuating circumstances related to the death as well... a long illness, a sudden or violent death, protracted pain and suffering, issues related to decisions regarding medical care and so on.<br />
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When you are bereft, your breath is more shallow...you may find yourself sighing more. This is your body's attempt at getting more oxygen. If your body doesn't get the air that it craves, you may start to hyperventilate a precurser to an anxiety attack. Focusing on your breath is a technique for managing panic/anxiety attacks. Breathe deeply and slowly, coach yourself that you already know how to breathe easily. Practice using imagery that is calming such as being held in a magical garment that helps you to feel calm, safe, and protected. Remind yourself that this is "normal after a loss" and that you have survived this before. Find an anchor-something that grounds you...my friend had the radio, but anything can do...your ring, a St. Christopher's medal, the sunshine...<br />
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Find someone to talk to about your loss and your experience-a friend, grief group, counselor. Make an appointment with your physician to rule out other potential causes as sometimes it is easy to minimize symptoms and chalk it up to "grief", but all symptoms are there to tell us something. So check in and listen to what your body/mind has to say.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-15587365259812291552012-07-18T13:55:00.003-04:002012-07-18T13:56:39.506-04:00To Every Season...<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<em>A human life has its seasons, much as the earth has seasons, and each one has its own particular beauty and possibilities. When we ask life to remain perpetually spring, we turn the natural process of life into a process of loss rather than a process of celebration and appreciation.</em> </div>
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F<span style="font-size: x-small;">rom <strong>Healthy at 100</strong> by John Robbins</span><br />
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Realistically, what season of your life are you in?</div>
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Can you identifiy the beauty and possibilites of it?</div>
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What about the seasons of those you love?</div>
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How do you choose to celebrate?</div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-7603467820023374832012-07-13T16:18:00.003-04:002012-10-18T14:47:30.264-04:00Please Curb Your JudgementWhen we are grief-stricken, it seems that others, even those who love us, are often quick to judge how and what we are doing. The barometer they use is a self-defined measure and each judge has different standards by which they gauge our appropriateness.<br />
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Before anyone can heal another, first you have to heal yourself...and this is an ongoing process. The same is true regarding judging others. What is the fear, unfinished business, lack or want in your own life that needs to be healed or fulfilled? <br />
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Practice recognizing when you are judging another and why. Then turn the mirror around and practice compassion.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-34032921648204275462012-07-02T15:32:00.000-04:002012-07-02T15:32:20.187-04:00<em>I have always found it easier to say "I love you" to another human being than to say " I need your help." Asking for help feels like a weakness; in reality, it is an invitation for connection. The exchange of asking for and receiving help creates this circle of energy that feeds us all. </em><br />
<em> </em>Rod MacIver<br />
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When you have had a loss in your life, you most likely know this to be true. For many people, saying "I love you" becomes more important as end-of-life nears or if you have lost someone close to you without saying it, making sure those around know how you feel in the future, takes on new meaning and import.<br />
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But what about asking for help? Dealing with loss is difficult. There are many opportunities for us to ask for and to <strong><em>accept</em></strong> help. Letting family and friends help, seeing a counselor, taking time off, joining a support group are all ways to do this.<br />
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How are you doing with letting those you love know and help?<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-22553818317049626982012-06-21T11:04:00.000-04:002012-06-21T11:04:45.895-04:00Talking with a VeteranAll hospices are caring for veterans, whether they are identified or not. Veterans at end-of-life sometimes have special needs. Awareness of and attending to care of this population requires additional knowledge and sensitivity to the patient and their families.. In January 2010, Dennis Whall, a veteran active in support activities for fellow vets in Maine, presented some information to hospice professionals in Maine. Below are some of his suggestions:<br />
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SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK<br />
<ul>
<li>first, thank for service</li>
<li>what branch of service </li>
<li>when did you go in and how old were you</li>
<li>were you drafted or did you volunteer</li>
<li>if enlisted, why did they choose that branch</li>
<li>any other in your family in the military-then or now</li>
<li>what was your rank</li>
<li>where did you go for Basic Training</li>
<li>do you remember your drill instructor (DI)</li>
<li>any humorous or memorable stories from Basic Training</li>
<li>what was your specialty (MOS-military occupation speciality)</li>
<li>how long were you in</li>
<li>where did you serve/ stationed</li>
<li>what was the name of your unit or ship</li>
<li>were you awarded any special badges or medals</li>
<li>have you kept in touch with any of your buddies</li>
</ul>
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SOME OF THE QUESTIONS <strong>NOT</strong> TO ASK<br />
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<ul>
<li>did you kill anyone</li>
<li>were any of your buddies killed</li>
<li>what was it like</li>
<li>were you scared</li>
<li>what was the worst thing that happened</li>
<li>did you ever do anything that you regretted</li>
<li>do you think we should have been involved in the war</li>
</ul>
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<img alt="" class="rg_hi uh_hi" data-height="183" data-width="276" height="183" id="rg_hi" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQnk9FgVeR6lNB0jS601o6JgpyUjX9w5ikzoajwX0dOfxZaJP42dw" style="height: 183px; width: 276px;" width="276" /><br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-44445586848861530482012-05-31T16:03:00.001-04:002012-05-31T16:03:51.999-04:00Yoga and GriefAnyone who has experienced grief knows it is a "full-body" experience. It's impact is felt on the physical, emotional and psychological planes. Common reactions to loss include increased heart rate and blood pressure, fast, shallow breathing, loss of appetite, lowered immunity, balance and coordination problems, sleep disturbances, anxiety, depression and difficulty concentrating.<br />
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There are <strong>many</strong> documented benefits, spanning physical, psychological and emotional positive effect, attributed to yoga. Among the positive attributes of a yoga practice is lowered pulse rates, and blood pressure, enhanced breathing-deeper and slower, normalized gastrointestinal function, improved immune-response, improved sleep, improved and integrated coordination, improved mood, decreased depression and increased concentration.<br />
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Poses often recommended for grief support include: heart opening poses, back bends, standing balance poses, supported poses, fish pose, camel pose, bow pose, poses performed closer to the Earth-half pigeon, sirsasana, gentle twists and alternate nostril breathing.<br />
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If you are grieving a loss and yoga appeals to you, look for teacher you connect with and a studio that is comfortable for you, and give it a try.<br />
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<img height="386" id="il_fi" nodeindex="1" src="http://www.springstoneyoga.com/userimages/yoga2.jpg?rand=1227643706" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="350" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-21714684085667478272012-05-16T11:16:00.001-04:002012-05-16T11:18:31.536-04:00Climbing<br />
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<img height="400" id="il_fi" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fd/Aappilattoq_mountains_1.JPG" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="300" /></div>
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The path through grief is often desrcibed as "climbing a mountain". Why not take this imagery from the figurative to the literal? This is what Robert Kennedy did when he scaled Mt. Kennedy in the Canadian Yukon after his brother's death in 1963. At the summit he engaged in a ritual of burying items of JFK's in the snow and ice along side a flag with the family crest on it. The climb was not easy and he was physically challenged, but by all accounts he came back down that mountain a changed man-with renewed focus and sense of himself.<br />
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Grief can drain the bereft of energy, weaken immunity, lessen engagement and enthusiasm for living and often leads to loss of focus and confidence. Climbing provides many physical, emotional, mental and spiritual benefits-many of which are beneficial for the grief-stricken. Breath, coordination, building an appetite, hydration...these are things generally taken for granted, but in grief we breath shallowly, sighing often; we are disconnected from our bodies and become more accident-prone; food and drink do not appeal to us. Climbing in the mountains requires us to attend to these things to be successful. Simply having a goal of reaching the top provides the bereft with a mental and emotional hook that can take the mind's energy away, even briefly, from other things associated with the loss. Learning new skills also engages the mind differently. Being out-of-doors, surrounded by natural beauty and light can offer a spiritual lift. Climbing offers the griever a community.<br />
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Is it a community that speaks to you?<br />
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Further resources: <br />
<a href="http://www.on-belay.org/">www.on-belay.org/</a><br />
<a href="http://www.climbforkids.org/">http://www.climbforkids.org/</a><br />
<a href="http://markliebenow.com/ml/v2/index.php?grief">Deep River Beneath White Pines</a> <br />
<a href="http://www.uphere.ca/node/786">http://www.uphere.ca/node/786</a><br />
<a href="http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19930617&slug=1706915">http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19930617&slug=1706915</a><br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-61027829670218862792012-05-07T15:04:00.000-04:002012-05-07T15:04:27.926-04:00Two-sides of the Same Coin<em>We clasp the hands of those that go before us, And the hands of those who come after us. We enter the little circle of each other's arms And the larger circle of lovers, Whose hands are joined in a dance, And the larger circle of all creatures, Passing in and out of life, Who move also in a dance, To a music so subtle and vast that no ear hears it Except in fragments.</em><br />
<em> </em><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">Wendell Berry</span></strong><br />
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Being present at (a) death often leaves us feeling...something. It is difficult to string the language together to accurately capture what the feeling is. It is full bodied. If it is as Wendell Berry descibes it above, it becomes clearer <em>why</em> it is so powerful. It is an experience that does not obey the accepted laws of time and physics. We are aware, in those moments, of <em>all </em>the generations and <em>all </em>living things. There is no separation, no us and them. Our bodies become extrasensoraly attuned. It is the same rush and all too fleeting moment of clarity we feel if we are fortunate enough to be at a birth. All comings and goings are orchestrated. Are you listening?Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-27198865959170015382012-04-27T11:57:00.001-04:002012-04-27T11:57:11.603-04:00Parent Loss: Ideas for RemembranceBeing an adult child of a deceased parent or parents can bring many grief reactions especially around significant remembrance days. Rituals assist in two major dimensions of human life-continuity and change. In other words, rituals need to reflect the fact that times and lives change, as well as preserve what remains meaningful. (<em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Rituals-Our-Times-Celebrating-Relationships/dp/0765701561">Rituals for Our Times</a></em>). Here are a few possibilities for remembering our mother and/or father *(taken from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Death-Mother-Harold-Smith/dp/0806643471"><em>Grieving the Death of a Mother</em></a> by Harold Ivan Smith):<br />
<ul>
<li>Use your mother's china or glassware for special meals.</li>
<li>Remember your parent's death(s) on <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_Saints">All Saint's Day </a>(November 1) of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_Souls'_Day">All Soul's Day</a> (November 2).</li>
<li>Pass on one of your mother's recipes. You can contribute a recipe to Morsels and Memories, the official cookbook of the <a href="http://www.adec.org/">Association of Death Education and Counseling</a>.</li>
<li>Do a mitzvah, or a good deed, in honor of your mother.</li>
<li>Reset some of your mother's old jewelry; thus, a diamond ring could become earrings or a brooch ( A daughter retained her mother's diamond at the time of mother's death death 30 years ago. It was reset and given to a granddaughter on her 16th birthday. The two had never met!)</li>
<li>Plant a tree or bush in honor of your parents. Watch it grow.</li>
<li>Donate flowers in honor of your mother to a place of worship on a Sunday nearest her birthday, anniversary or passing day.</li>
<li>Make a donation to your mother's alma mater.</li>
<li>Donate money to an organization seeking a cure for the disease that claimed your parent. Remember it does not have to be a large donation.</li>
<li>Celebrate <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorial_Day">Memorial Day</a>. For too many this is merely the day of summer rather than a day to remember our loved ones (even if you celebrated Mother's Day earlier in the month)</li>
<li>Create something of beauty in honor of your mother. Use some of her clothes to make a beautiful quilt. Others may take their gowns and robes to make stuffed bears for family members.</li>
</ul>
* Although the suggestions are geared toward remembering mothers they can also work for fathers and other loved ones.<br />
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-16639802381461252292012-04-23T15:08:00.002-04:002012-04-23T15:08:23.669-04:00The Resolution WishWe wish grief would resolve. We wish that it was linear and finite. We wish that we could wake up one day and our painful thoughts and feelings would all be over. Grief never resolves, however. While we can learn to reconcile ourselves to it, grief is transformative and life- changing.<br />
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<em>-Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt</em>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-68277820865662368442012-04-18T10:00:00.000-04:002012-04-18T10:00:25.816-04:00Top 5 Regrets of the Dying<em>Wednesday 1 February 2012</em><br />
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<em>A nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top ones is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?</em><br />
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There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.<br />
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Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.<br />
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Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."<br />
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Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:<br />
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1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.<br />
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"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."<br />
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2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.<br />
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"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."<br />
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3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.<br />
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"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."<br />
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4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.<br />
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"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."<br />
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5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.<br />
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"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."<br />
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What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-24584714633541736752012-04-12T14:56:00.000-04:002012-04-12T14:56:03.309-04:00Being Human: Grief is Not a Mental Illness-But, Apparently Being Human is a Risk Factor!?Grief, defined, is an intense emotional sorrow caused by the loss of a loved one (especially by death); something that causes great unhappiness. <em>The Lancet </em>asserts "Grief is not an illness; it is more usefully thought of as part of being human and a normal response to the death of a loved one". The experience of grief often serves many functions such as reminding us of our own mortality, preparing us for future loss, creating a sense of gratitude, increasing our resilience, making us more loving and compassionate.<br />
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There is a possibility the 2013 edition of the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, also known as the "bible of psychiatry", will include grief as a mental illness/disorder. The reasons behind this are manifold, including the public's attraction to pharmaceuticals, the dominant belief in a mechanistic and allopathic model of human health and disease, and issues related to reimbursement and money. There is also a movement afoot to label the bereft with a major depression diagnosis within a very short time after the initial loss. Granted sometimes depression is tripped by a loss or if pre-existing, can be exacerbated by grief. Legitimately, there are some grievers who need psychiatric help. Some of the criteria put forth for use in differentiating grief from depression is a particularly severe presentation that includes some combination of unreasonable guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, self-loathing, anhedonia, a focus on negative memories of the departed, alienation from others and an inability to be consoled. <br />
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I wonder what is the evidence of drug effectiveness on these symptoms? It seems grief is not dramatically different from other serious stresses that abound in life. How do we normalize normal grief in such a medically driven-reimbursement system?<br />
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Chuck Colson has written "This worldview has no place for compassion, remembrance, or empathy because, ultimately, it has no room for being human, especially a normal one."</div>
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<a href="https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSr2iUzrh0uin4XPk1uPUxGS7HT-_SEbIQnYAJ2gvPnNLku5xKoHg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="uh_hi" data-height="230" data-width="219" height="230" id="rg_hi" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSr2iUzrh0uin4XPk1uPUxGS7HT-_SEbIQnYAJ2gvPnNLku5xKoHg" style="height: 230px; width: 219px;" width="219" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-61322739406346048712012-04-05T11:08:00.002-04:002012-04-05T11:09:42.293-04:00Good Funerals Serve the Living by Caring For the Dead<br />
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I recently saw <a href="http://www.thomaslynch.com/1/234/index.asp">Thomas Lynch</a> (poet, undertaker) speak. His topic was <em>Good Death, Good Grief, Good Funerals</em>. A good part of his story is about encouraging people to be mindful of the ceremonies related to their dead. He implores us "Don't estrange the living from their dead". He stresses modern funerals lack gravitas as there is limited focus on beliefs and values important to the family and more attention paid to hobbies and interests. It is stuff vs. substance. <br />
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He believes "if we get the essentials right we can focus less on the accessories and that we need to separate the essentials <em>from </em>the accessories. He states "A good funeral isn't a good box, like a good diamond isn't a good marriage. Or you wouldn't go to a wedding without the bride and groom present or a baptism without the baby." . The essentials are: there is someone who has died; there is someone to whom it matters the person has died; there is someone to facilitate the procession of the body with some sacred notions; and then the act of putting the dead somewhere. Similar to Thomas Long's idea of <em>sacred theater </em>where we all play our part in the funerals of those we love. He encourages us to "go the distance with our dead". Have the body at the service; throw dirt on the grave; go with the body to the retort for cremation and bring the remains back.<br />
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We deal with death by dealing with the dead. We care for the living by caring for the dead.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-47174139770242795922012-03-27T13:27:00.003-04:002012-03-27T13:27:54.488-04:00 Rachel Naomi in her book <em>Kitchen Table Wisdom, </em>states <em>The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is as unrealistic as expecting to be able to walk through water without getting wet. This sort of denial is no small matter. The way we deal with loss shapes our capacity to be present to life more than anything else. The way we protect ourselves from loss may be the way in which we distance ourselves from life.</em><br />
<em> </em>You may be thinking " Suffering and loss? Aside from this death or that disappointment, I haven't experienced any suffering or loss". Do you read the newspaper or watch the news? Tragic stories are all around us. Are you aging? Are your loved ones aging? Battling disease, depression, financial difficulties? Change is loss. There is a cumulative effect to what we witness and experience when it comes to grief. What we do with that accumulation of feelings and thoughts is what will make or break us and our capacity to be who we innately are and can potentially be in this world.<br />
When you are grieving a loss, others, usually well meaning, are often eager to share their opinion about your level of denial. Perhaps you have heard from some that you are "in denial" because you "have not moved on (or moved on too quickly)". Or, maybe someone has suggested you are in denial because you are tearful (or not tearful enough). I wonder what these well-intentioned folks would say if you suggested it is perhaps <em>they</em> who are denial? Perhaps your grief and your awareness of loss and suffering is too much for<em> them</em> to bear? <br />
Ultimately, it is important for each person to judge their own circumstance.<br />
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Are you present to life or distanced from death? It is never too late to change.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-34013414961374777752012-03-12T10:47:00.000-04:002012-03-12T10:47:03.624-04:00 I was recently reading an editorial in a back country ski magazine. In the editorial, the author was suggesting that a friend of his who he described as an obsessive and chronic worrier, had as his main deficit, the absence of skiing in his life. He suggested skiers worry, too, but are more focused in what and when they worry and then have an outlet-the ski trip- to let go of worrying.<br />
There are many therapeutic benefits associated with spending time out of doors and participating in "adventure" activities. A deeper connection with the natural world, trust, exploring and understanding self-control, responsibility, increased feelings of self-esteem, joy and pleasure are some of the stated benefits people have reaped from participating in outdoor activities such as hiking, mountaineering, skiing, climbing, biking. These activities provide one with the opportunity to practice and develop skills to deal with difficult situations so they can draw upon their experience in a number of challenging life situations-including loss and grief.<br />
Is there an outdoor pursuit you use therapeutically or one that you envision embracing that can help you meet and grow with your challenges?<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="font-size: xx-small;">photo icefall.ca</span></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-68171178778266438522012-02-29T11:04:00.002-05:002012-02-29T11:07:13.379-05:00From <em><strong>The Invitation</strong></em> by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:<br />
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<em>When I imagine myself as an old woman at the end of my life and ask myself how I will evaluate my time here, there is only one question that concerns me: Did I love well? There are a thousand ways to love other people and the world-with our touch, our words, our silences, our work, our presence. I want to love well. This is my hunger. I want to make love to the world by the way I live in it, by the way I am with myself and others every day. So I seek to increase my ability to be with the truth in each moment, to be with what I know, the sweet and the bitter. I want to stay aware of the vastness of what I do not know. This is what brings me to the journey. I do not want to live my life any other way.</em><br />
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If you have recently lost someone, you may feel as though you will never love again. That the best of your love has died with your loved one. I think there is an opportunity when someone in our life dies, to ask "Did I love well?" and depending on the response, an opportunity to do it more, but perhaps differently, or to begin.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-12195440018186088892012-02-15T10:42:00.000-05:002012-02-15T10:42:25.828-05:00<em>'I haven't stopped crying since Whitney died':</em> Jennifer Hudson opens up about grief after stunning Grammys tribute performance. By<em> Daily Mail Reporter</em><br />
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I can't help but wonder how Miss Hudson's reaction to Whitney Houston's death might not be exacerbated by the murders of her own mother, brother, and 7 year-old nephew in 2008.<br />
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Often, a new loss will trigger memories of past losses and the mourner may experience a temporary upsurge of grief reactions. This doesn't mean the loss wasn't dealt with previously.<br />
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All of these losses present for the survivors and mourners sudden and traumatic death challenges. They were: sudden; violent; human-caused; potentially involved suffering; unnatural; were multiple deaths; and involved the loss of younger people.<br />
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Tears seem warranted.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-40548067664750082042012-02-08T10:15:00.000-05:002012-02-08T10:15:04.881-05:00 It is important not to get stuck in therapy. Therapy is a necessary boat that takes you across a rough river to a new shore. In time, though, you must step out of the boat and onto new earth and never look back. <br />
<em><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Healing Cards, Carolyn Myss, Peter Occhiogrosso</span></em><br />
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Support groups work the same way. Sometimes, people will talk to me about whether or not they need a support group. Often, they are a year past the loss and feel as though they "are doing well enough, but have<br />
little things that come up". This is often quickly followed by a statement about having attended this group or that group and hearing people talk about struggling with their grief for 5, 10 or more years! These people rightly assess "I don't want to be that person-that doesn't seem good to me.". Sometimes, they may wonder if they <em>should </em>feel worse or experience guilt because they aren't suffering in their grief years after the death. This can be the difference between resilience and complicated grief. Sometimes grief might require getting in a bigger boat-a therapy boat. Big or small, though, at some point, getting off the boat will be important if you want to go or see something different.<br />
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<img height="288" id="il_fi" src="http://www.theclubatduneswest.com/pages/scduneswest/image/boat.jpg" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="435" /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6148073966887084575.post-46268039369051148212012-01-31T16:50:00.000-05:002012-01-31T16:50:12.317-05:00Hospice, Bereavement and Time Family members who have a loved one receiving end-of-life care from Beacon Hospice are often surprised to learn they are eligible for 13 months of bereavement support after their loved one dies. This on-going help for those grieving a loss is provided through limited one-to-one support, support groups, telephone calls, referrals to community support, resources and qualified professionals, sympathy cards, and other written materials.<br />
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Hospice views the patient and family as a "unit", therefore all comfort measures and interventions are focused on providing the best care and support available to not only the ill, but also their caregivers and loved ones This is also a rich opportunity for pre-loss support geared toward helping the patient and family cope with the present and plan for and accept the future . To this end, throughout the time the family ( "family" may include facility staff, paid caregivers, POAs and other identified involved parties) is on hospice services they are involved, to the degree they desire, with hospice social workers and chaplains, volunteers and nursing. These relationships provide nurturing, encouragement, education and support to the family as they support their loved one in their illness and death. Social work and chaplaincy aid in assisting with funeral and memorial plans, issues of anticipatory loss, financial concerns, spiritual and personal worries and struggles, and offer a caring, compassionate presence throughout the time the family and patient is involved with Beacon Hospice. Nursing and volunteers can provide extra hands, eyes,ears, and assistance with patient care and household tasks. <br />
Many times due to the intense nature of hospice, the usual barriers to connection are weakened and rapport is established more quickly. Without a doubt, the longer the patient and family receive hospice services, the better supported and cared for they feel. All too often people come to hospice late in the game, and are not able to benefit from the care and support available to them weeks, if not months, earlier.<br />
If you or a loved one is interested in hospice services please speak to your physician or call your local hospice. (There is a list of Beacon Hospice offices listed at the top of this blog)<br />
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Time is invaluable.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com